An Ode to Fear and Gratitude: The Futa Flexpedition

Written by: Arman

There are two ways to ‘be’ in Spanish: ‘Ser’ and ‘Estar’. They represent the permanence and the impermanence of the states of being. As someone who has been afraid of so many things, Spanish (the language) and Chilean culture made my fears seem transient; whether it be it of the bees that never stung me, of the dogs who have never bit me, or the the rapids I have never drowned in. We bade farewell to Parque Nacional Patagonia, it’s hotter, drier, and picturesque surroundings– with a ten hour ride to Puyuhuapi, and a further six hour drive into the valleys for our second ‘flexpedition’. Laid in a carpet of forests and stringed with alpine lakes, we entered the town of Futaleufú. In Mapudungun, the town is named after the river, Futaleufú, which literally translates to ‘big river’.

If I were to tell my younger self that they would fall in love with storms and animals, they would have a hearty laugh. I have never worked so much on my fears and fallen in love with them before this trip. 

Sometimes it came as a laugh at 4 am, when our tent was almost blown and my sleeping bag became soaked. 

Sometimes it came as dogs merrily (chirping) barking and wagging their tails during my runs or at Malvina’s. 

Sometimes it came as a deep fascination and gratitude for sopapillas and rhubarb marmalade I made with Malvina, while we sang Latin American classics together. 

The more I see things as gifts from the earth, the more desire I feel to care about them. I can’t help but fall in love seeing the bumblebee collecting nectar flower after flower, and cusp its face like babies hiding their face. The second part of our expedition involved rafting the depths of the Futa river, spanned across tens of kilometers per day! Sometimes I wish the poet Tennyson witnessed the beauty of this valley, and the river it nursed, its bubbling ferocity presenting an enigma of life. As someone who comes from one of the driest regions in India, abundance of water is part scary and part blissful to me. Its depths cower the venturer in me, while its presence warms me with access to more hot chocolate. And now that the week has become a necklace of past memories, I don’t want to leave the river.

Looking back, often the fears we have is our ignorance coupled with a fear of uncertainty. There are plenty of things that harm us in real life, yet we aren’t afraid of them as we can anticipate them. The rapids, bees, and dogs felt like uncharted territory to me. My ignorance disillusioned me of the harms that can only be worked on with trust. As I eat hand picked plums and berries from Teresa’s farm (no longer afraid that these things have bugs in them), I see my discomfort of looking into my fears beyond ignorance… 

…As the beams of light 

through the winds of might

In the gorges of fright

Illuminating with delight 🙂